Confused.

I'm really at a point of confusion. Things don't make sense to me any more. I know I just want to be a good friend to you but you can hurt me like a lover can. I know for sure it's not love, so what is this?

Every little thing you do or not do, makes me thing, "was it me?", "issit my fault?", "are you talking about me?", "why are you not telling me anything?". It feels like I have an obsession. Sometimes, I tease you, but I wish you knew I meant it because I was jealous. Sometimes, I poke fun at you, because that's the only excuse for me to talk to you.

I care about you, so I always ask if I sense something wrong, but recently, I feel as though I have been a pest, like some kaypoh person. And you don't even care about me? You don't ask about me, you don't tell me about you unless I ask. So what's that suppose to mean?

Nowadays, I'm starting to tell myself, maybe I should let history repeat with all my other friends. Let silence separate us. But at this point, I still always give in. Every time we have a chance to meet, I would consider more than just twice. Is it worth it? More hurt or more happiness?

Till I have decided, I guess I'll just live in my own illusions, believing that I'm as important to you as you are to me.

Constant reminder.

I don't like how every little thing you do is a constant reminder to me. A reminder that I'm not number 1, that I'm not worth it, that I'm not all that, that I'm a fool.

I really pity myself. I really do. Do I not consider myself smart? So why do I willingly let myself be the fool I never want to be? Sensitive I mean, but I'm sure most of your actions are valid reasons for my lousy feelings. Even when I was feeling low and down, you who bothered to ask at first soon forgot and it ended up with me consoling you.

If you don't feel any responsibility towards me, say it. Don't just hurt me again and again be it intentionally or not. Please, this a only a small plea.

Starting to love, starting to hate.

I'm getting really involved with SPA nowadays. Training has been like a short getaway for me. Being able to just sweat everything out without a care in the world, it makes me too exhausted to think about anything. But on the other hand, there's someone there that makes me feel insecure at times.

I know its my own sensitivity and I'm just being obsessed but some stuff have happened too many times/ I really don't wanna take chances any more. Gotta control myself well and not cross the line. I really wanna be good friends.

Today they also announced the dates for the land expedition and I'm freaking upset I can't go for it because of Poly Forum. I really wanted to go, wanted to push myself and test my limits. And most of all, wanted to spend time with all my friends and strengthen our bond even further but...

I know I have to set my priorities straight so it's really just too bad for me. And honestly, I just might start regretting joining CASS club. =(

I thought I said I wouldn't

OMG. I haven't been blogging recently because it would be just shit load of emo crap and I told myself I wouldn't broadcast all my fucking useless problems to the whole world. But today is really the limit. I cannot hold it in any longer.

There is A LOT of things you have done to cause sadness, hurt, disappointment and frustration and yet you do not have a clue. The reason in simple, I am not as important to you as you are to me. I have already gotten this fact and have already accepted. But the worse thing is, I don't fucking mind. I would rather be worth SOMETHING rather than NOTHING. This is my selfish-ness that I can't control, the hurt that I wanna inflict on myself.

So why the hell am I whining? I BROUGHT THIS ALL UPON MYSELF. But still, I can't help but hope for more.

It's all emo

I'm trying not to blog too much now cuz all that's here is emo stuff and more emo stuff. I know I'm a fucking bag full of emo shit that's slowly getting bigger and bigger. I'm all fine and chirpy on the outside but I really wish someone I care for would in return care for me. Is it really too much to ask for?

This whole week, I have been talking to that one person too much. Each day I can't resist the urge to initiate a conversation although I tell myself again and again not to. I love that person as a friend and hope to be treated as importantly as I treat that person. But it always turns out that each conversation tells me again how unimportant I am. Yet that person is the only one right now that knows of my little pain and somehow manage to stop the aching and the tears though that person isn't much help in giving advice or anything.

I just hope I won't end up being nothing more than a pest that person would rather not have ever known.

After so long.

So today's training was rather emotional for me. It started off with a surprise from my lovely friends then continued on to me a gruelling, tiresome run and physical condition. It then dived down all the way to pure simple disappointment.

Am I really not worth fighting for? It may seem like a small thing to them but it really hurt my feelings and all that followed was excuses. Spoiled my mood and my stomach wasn't helping either. But it got worse. After training ended and I checked my phone, I saw stuff I wished I could avoid forever.

And what follows just got worse and worse. In a really bad mood now. Waiting for the right person to ask me what happened. For now, i'll just drown in self-pity I guess.

Training ~

I am tired! Body have not adapted back to school life yet! I just feel like lazing around but I know I can't afford to. After looking at most of my results, I know I needa up my game this term if I wan a improve my GPA. For now, my results are average, all Bs. Not bad but not good either. I WAN As!

Anyway, despite being damn tired today, I'm still gonna go for training later because I don't wanna abandon my friend that kept asking me to go. I'll feel bad if I skipped despite all the "begging". But on the other hand, it's gonna be a good chance to GO CRAZY and de-stress and of cuz, LOSE FATS!

So funny how one of my classmates believe that I am in a relationship with another classmate! ITS SO OBVIOUS ITS FAKE! Now we are acting like a relationship on facebook and it's damn funny! Such cheap thrills really makes a day a better day.

Until then, adios!

Chopped.

Went for a haircut after school day! The auntie was damn excited, she saw my hair length and kept suggesting then I don't waste it and cut some punky korean hairstyle but i was like "NOOOOO". I'm a low maintenance kinda guy, no way I'm gonna spend previous sleep time to wax my hair everyday! So yeah I just told her I wanted a simple cut and she slipped in some of her "korean style" in my haircut.

She was very satisfied with the result, kept smiling and asking if I liked it. It wasn't that bad to be honest but i'm just not used to having so short hair yet I guess. Funny how she kept explaining why she wan cut like this cuz it's a popular thing in korea and it's nice and all. Personally, I'm rather satisfied with it so yeah!

Today I feel used yet again but the very same person. I'm suppose to enjoy being used because at least I know I have a reason to live. But it sucks when I'm being used for someone else. How would you feel if somebody you hold dear contacts you only when he/she is bored? Then right after he/she has company, poof! The magic of friendship!

Can't help but feel like a substitute in times like this. So far, I think nobody has found my blog and I'm kinda happy about it. Can bitch ALL I WANT about ANYBODY. Well I still would even if the whole world knows my blog. HAHA!

Games > Girls?

You know most guys are gamers be it something as stupid as maple/dota or something more exciting like mmorpgs or even simple games like pokemon. But do they know where to prioritise it?

I myself have been a victim of this problem. Games came before anything else for me, hardcore chiongster, must be top few in the game then shiok! But as I grew it just died down. The novelty of games faded and I realise where my priorities should be. It was around sec 4 I guess.

The main problem now, is having most of my guys friends around my age still being addicted. It really kinda turns me off when they prioritise games over their social life at this age and the worse thing is that those games are the stupid ones. Yes it's dota.

I have always considered myself more matured than other guys so I guess I have to be patient and wait for them to grow up as much as I have. But it really pains me when I'm in deep shit and someone offers to listen but runs off to play a game or two in the middle of me pouring my heart out. Enough said.

It's my birthday!

Gifts from my classmates!

What better day to start a bog then a day that commemorates my very birth? I hope I can stay faithful to this and blog regularly though. Anyway, I won't be broadcasting my URL cuz I wanna keep it as personal as possible but yet what's the point of having a blog of nobody reads it? So leave it all to fate then!

Anyway, today marks 18 years of being alive. I believe I have seen and experienced much and have matured well. All in all, I'm awesome. So far, out of the 700+ odd friends I have on facebook, about 200+ have wished me on facebook,twitter and real life. So I really wonder, are the rest worth being called my friends? As sensitive as I may sound, it really doesn't hurt to want a wish from friends I have shared many memories with right?

Today itself was a roller coaster ride. I felt under-appreciated to feeling too much love, I felt useless and also felt thankful. These days, I've grown too needy. After losing so many friends I once thought I could trust and depend on, I've become much more sensitive and much more emotional towards friends. I really really really wish to have a good bro that stays a few blocks away. May this wish come true soon, before I die of bottled up emotions.

Now right here, I just wish I was somebody's number 1. In fact I would be satisfied if I was just a number 2 or 3. But a wish will always be just a wish.