I remember your words.

At this point of time now, more than love and all that shit, I'm suffering from insecurities. My future, my education, my life, myself. Friendship stuff really starting to bring me down A LOT.

I remember you said we usually see each other 3 times a week so we do we need to sms/msn or meet up on other days? Firstly, if we were really good friends, why wouldn't you wanna spend more time together if you could? And now, I think it's been a week since we seen each other and I'm pretty sure you don't feel anything.

Honestly, you make me feel patronised every time. You only tell me stuff when I ask as if you had no other choice and then give replies that obviously shows you would rather be doing something else. And when I feel down, you don't really bother at all. What is this?

I'm really sick of trying. I don't wanna ask you out anymore or even talk to you first anymore. I don't wanna be the pest I think I am. As much as it hurts, if you wanna let everything slowly fade away, then so be it. Just don't toy with me anymore.

New policy.

Here's something I've decided to stand by:

"Don't ask, tell. Don't say, don't bother."

Well hope somebody gets what this means! This is a challenge to myself, I'm really sick of being disappointed and being force to take the initiative all the time. I don't wanna feel dispensable any more. If I'm important to you, show me. Don't just lay idle and hope for something.

I've also decided to narrow down my social circle. I won't try to be the nice guy that's everybody's friend any more. I decided this once but I failed to keep to it. This time however, I'm really determined. Lesser friends = lesser hurt. Yes somehow, friendship is starting to hurt me more often and more deeply than relationship stuff recently. I feel lost.

Confused.

I'm really at a point of confusion. Things don't make sense to me any more. I know I just want to be a good friend to you but you can hurt me like a lover can. I know for sure it's not love, so what is this?

Every little thing you do or not do, makes me thing, "was it me?", "issit my fault?", "are you talking about me?", "why are you not telling me anything?". It feels like I have an obsession. Sometimes, I tease you, but I wish you knew I meant it because I was jealous. Sometimes, I poke fun at you, because that's the only excuse for me to talk to you.

I care about you, so I always ask if I sense something wrong, but recently, I feel as though I have been a pest, like some kaypoh person. And you don't even care about me? You don't ask about me, you don't tell me about you unless I ask. So what's that suppose to mean?

Nowadays, I'm starting to tell myself, maybe I should let history repeat with all my other friends. Let silence separate us. But at this point, I still always give in. Every time we have a chance to meet, I would consider more than just twice. Is it worth it? More hurt or more happiness?

Till I have decided, I guess I'll just live in my own illusions, believing that I'm as important to you as you are to me.

Constant reminder.

I don't like how every little thing you do is a constant reminder to me. A reminder that I'm not number 1, that I'm not worth it, that I'm not all that, that I'm a fool.

I really pity myself. I really do. Do I not consider myself smart? So why do I willingly let myself be the fool I never want to be? Sensitive I mean, but I'm sure most of your actions are valid reasons for my lousy feelings. Even when I was feeling low and down, you who bothered to ask at first soon forgot and it ended up with me consoling you.

If you don't feel any responsibility towards me, say it. Don't just hurt me again and again be it intentionally or not. Please, this a only a small plea.

Starting to love, starting to hate.

I'm getting really involved with SPA nowadays. Training has been like a short getaway for me. Being able to just sweat everything out without a care in the world, it makes me too exhausted to think about anything. But on the other hand, there's someone there that makes me feel insecure at times.

I know its my own sensitivity and I'm just being obsessed but some stuff have happened too many times/ I really don't wanna take chances any more. Gotta control myself well and not cross the line. I really wanna be good friends.

Today they also announced the dates for the land expedition and I'm freaking upset I can't go for it because of Poly Forum. I really wanted to go, wanted to push myself and test my limits. And most of all, wanted to spend time with all my friends and strengthen our bond even further but...

I know I have to set my priorities straight so it's really just too bad for me. And honestly, I just might start regretting joining CASS club. =(

I thought I said I wouldn't

OMG. I haven't been blogging recently because it would be just shit load of emo crap and I told myself I wouldn't broadcast all my fucking useless problems to the whole world. But today is really the limit. I cannot hold it in any longer.

There is A LOT of things you have done to cause sadness, hurt, disappointment and frustration and yet you do not have a clue. The reason in simple, I am not as important to you as you are to me. I have already gotten this fact and have already accepted. But the worse thing is, I don't fucking mind. I would rather be worth SOMETHING rather than NOTHING. This is my selfish-ness that I can't control, the hurt that I wanna inflict on myself.

So why the hell am I whining? I BROUGHT THIS ALL UPON MYSELF. But still, I can't help but hope for more.

It's all emo

I'm trying not to blog too much now cuz all that's here is emo stuff and more emo stuff. I know I'm a fucking bag full of emo shit that's slowly getting bigger and bigger. I'm all fine and chirpy on the outside but I really wish someone I care for would in return care for me. Is it really too much to ask for?

This whole week, I have been talking to that one person too much. Each day I can't resist the urge to initiate a conversation although I tell myself again and again not to. I love that person as a friend and hope to be treated as importantly as I treat that person. But it always turns out that each conversation tells me again how unimportant I am. Yet that person is the only one right now that knows of my little pain and somehow manage to stop the aching and the tears though that person isn't much help in giving advice or anything.

I just hope I won't end up being nothing more than a pest that person would rather not have ever known.